Open Blog

So, after finally hearing the Jay-Z song "Open Letter," the only thing I thought is "Did anyone else notice that Jay STILL plugs Nas lines into his joints?" The beef is old, so what. They made up, good for them. But it was always 'cause Jay envied Nas and felt threatened by a rapper he thought was superior. I LOVE Jay's music, but all the millions and Beyonces in the world won't hide the fact that he was a Nas Stan at worst, an envious guy who was used to being the man and couldn't handle being faced with his equal (or superior) at best. During their beef, most of Jay's material was (rightfully) about Nas falling off and appearing weak and hypocritical. He was expressing resentment for the fact that someone he admired wasn't worthy of his admiration anymore. His idol had fallen. Most of Nas' material was about how Jay wanted him on his songs, wanted to collaborate, admired him and liked his style. I don't care about the inside details, but they were telling us a clear story. Jay is great, but it's kinda of amazing, and honestly, a bit sad, how we've placed him on a pedestal reserved for our greatest leaders. Jay has done some great things business-wise. So has Bill Cosby, MJ, Tyler Perry, Nick Cannon (yes, look it up) and others. He has set some precedents as a rapper and is arguably the GOAT. But even as a musician, he hasn't elevated our consciousness the way less successful hip-hop acts have. His monument is built overwhelmingly on swagger and the insecurities of the men and women who support it. I didn't mean for this to be a post bashing a great, great rapper. Just to provide a perspective I feel that most don't even think about, it seems. He, and all of your idols, can be everything you say he is. He can also be all of these other things bc no one is 1- or 2- dimensional, and material success doesn't eliminate personal flaws, particularly to the person with the success. In my opinion, all the money, sales and fame can't make Jay feel better about the fact that HE believes that Nas can do things with the thing Jay probably loves most, that Jay can't. This is life. This is being human.

Just saw a video with 50 and some li'l guy named Kid Kid, which was literally them holding guns and saying how they will shoot you. You, the listener. And they won't care. Then they went around shooting people for fake. This is what people want to hear? Can't be. This is what 50 does? Shoot people? No...ok, I'm getting tired of dance music now. Everything is sold, presented and unveiled at 120 bpms by generic pretty faces...speaking of, I just saw a Jay Sean video that was the most GENERIC piece of r&b I've ever seen. All posturing and faking. Also saw videos by Tinie Tempeh and Jaden Smith where they were trying to prove that they are real rappers; you know, no hook, long verses. Jaden sounded just like Drake, guess he figured that's the route he should go. I'm thinking he can do better if he writes for himself. Tinie should embrace the fact that he's a less talented British B.O.B...Nicki Minaj and Pitbull are on every song. All over the world...it's comical the way these international artists copy what becomes popular in the US sometimes. "Sexualna" by Mirami is I'm SOME language and it sounds EXACTLY like a Pitbull song. The rapper in it looks ridiculous in his jumpsuit and fitted....oh look, Justin Bieber has a video with Nicki. Bet I know how it sounds already....I love pop music of any kind. Good pop. I really liked "Lights" by Elle Goulding. Robin makes some good ass songs. Adele somehow makes good music that is catchy and popular. The more annoying Kanye gets, the more amazing his music becomes. "Call Me Maybe" is an amazing fluffy song. I'm all about The Wanted (but One Direction can go to hell). But "we gonna party like its 3012 tonight?" Ugh. I have very little faith Beiber will acquire a tenth of the talent of his forefather Justin, but I'll rank "Baby" up there with any of my favourite Timberlake songs...OK, see this song by Greg Salto, it's kinda ok, bc he has a great voice, some cool lyrics and some cool ethnic instruments. Which are some of the (many) elements that made "Somebody That I Used To Know" an all-time classic. This Salto song is ok, but I'm not gonna jump out the window and call it good. I was biased, and prepared to like it a bit more bc he's black (or maybe the guest artist is), but he could've used that voice to greater effect...some artist named NY did a horrible video about loving music. She's in the projects and walking around trying to look cute. It's mad wack...While writing this blog, 2 more Pitbull and Nicki songs came on. The production on this "Men In Black" song is amazing tho. Pitbull is a very underrated writer but he's the most overexposed person who survived overexposure that I've ever seen. He's completely Teflon...wow, even Flo Rida's conscious song is a dance song. Flo Rida totally eliminated the need for Nelly.

The Kook Who Sat By The Door

Cattle (including bulls of course) don't eat meat, we eat cattle.
Some of the biggest, strongest animals don't eat meat. Humans eat meat but don't have to (IMO) and many, many of us are sick inside and out.
Humans live longer than most other animals, but our lifespan has increased over our history.

Our lifespans have increased in proportion to the amount of life (including humans) we've sacrificed to live longer. We eat more animals, kill other humans, and drain resources from the living planet to have longer, "better" lives.

Maybe we are not supposed to live to 100 years. Maybe we are supposed to live like gods for 50, 60 years tops and then go on to what's next. Maybe that's another life or form of existence. The part that we're avoiding.

Eventually we'll probably stop fronting, and probably just start officially harvesting other humans for growth hormone, skin cells, organs, etc. I'm POSITIVE this probably already is an option for this with certain resources. We know debate rages now about using genes and dna for certain purposes and there have to be "rogue" scientists who could care less about the discourse and are seeing what happens for themselves.
We know that under certain unfortunate circumstances, cells are used to do things like regenerate and increase skin production and growth hormone and organ tissue.
You think there aren't people who seek these things for cosmetic, fountain-of-youth-like reasons?
People who haven't been burnt badly or don't suffer from degenerative diseases, but look at the treatments and wonder how much youth their money could buy? You think they haven't, at the least considered, at worst carried out, the collection of, and experimentation on aborted fetuses, missing poor people and prisoners of war?
Are you not at least open to the possibility of this being the goals of Nazi scientists, the American govt (consider Tuskegee) and other groups who had/have immense power, will and resources, and no effective counter?

Daredevil

You may find yourself suffering this particular thing as well:

Those who you interact with most (not by choice - most of us have to work) tend to A. value friendliness, self-importance disguised as leadership, and extroversion over B. competence, reserved confidence and thoughtfulness.

Those who are A. outgoing and schmooze-y and formulaic are held to a higher regard than you. You are none of those things. You are B. efficient, purposeful and discriminating in the ways that make progress happen.

There are these labels given to "A," labels like "type A" and "alpha" and "leader." You've been bypassing these labels AND people for sometime now. You couldn't be so concerned. For the most part. I mean, you know that the people attached to those labels are valued as having "important" qualities. You sometimes wonder if they aren't right. Then you remember that you've been winning with the truly important qualities. You might be overlooked, but never when it counts. Maybe according to their plans, but not in the grand scheme.

I guess the annoying part is that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, mainly because the people decided that that makes him better than them. And you're just gonna have to be ok with being Daredevil.

There could be worse things.

Goodbye N.Y. Hello Doha!

Pre-flight:

My cousin in-law was probably the perfect person to drive us to the airport. Physically capable of doing so at a late hour, helping us with tons of luggage. Patient and familiar with international travel. Old enough to have a mature, calming presence but young enough to keep it light and breezy. Familiar enough for my wife to feel like she had close family, but just outside the circle of relatives she communicates with (maybe too) often. The whole check in and boarding process was SURPRISINGLY easy. Like VERY smooth and quick. More so than a domestic flight. Of course, food options at JFK were expensive, and limited at night. Finding Qatar Airways wasn't too hard. We had some overweight luggage (had to do some quick kilogram-pound conversion - shout out to paying attention to the metric system in math class), but they let us rock. That was cool. We had to check and pay for one extra bag but found out it was charged to the school. That was very cool.

The flight:

To sum it up: Qatar Air is fly.

The plane was gargantuan. High and wide with spacious seats and cool blue lights. The atmosphere was about as comfortable as you could want for a half-day long flight. My favorite amenity was the touch screen. With a few hundred movies old and new like The Avengers, Hunger Games, I Am Legend, Cool Hand Luke, Any Given Sunday, Iron Man 2, Rocky, seasons of countless tv shows we love, arcade, sports and trivia games, music videos, news, and more (even email available for a fee), there was absolutely no need for any personal device. It was the greatest on-demand service I've ever seen

The music collection was the best part. I decided to spend nearly the entire flight listening to the "100 Greatest Albums." Decided I'd see what all the fuss was/is about some of the legendary artists and records I grew up hearing about and not listening to. These are what I got around to:

"Pet Sounds" The Beach Boys (recognized some of my "Petting Zoo" in there, soothing sounds, boring after a while)
The Beatles "White Album" (most interesting musicians to release such popular music)
"Paul's Boutique" The Beastie Boys (a lotta fun, well-put together and does hip-hop in a way no one does anymore that groups used to; kind of inspiring)
Led Zeppelin "IV" (put me to sleep in a good way)
David Bowie "Ziggy Stardust" (a nice trip, dug this the most maybe of the rock stuff - then again, I may have confused what I remember with "IV" bc I was in and out of sleep)
"Electric Ladyland" Jimi Hendrix (don't remember much to be honest)
Miles Davis "Kind of Blue" (put me to sleep; I didn't know what to look for, after  while it all sounded similar)
AC/DC "Back in Black" (enjoyed it but didn't speak to me; I could certainly see how it could speak to young, aggressive white kids looking to rock out and tear shit up. I would've dug this a lot more 5 years ago)

"It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back" Public Enemy (this wasn't on the list, although it should've been; "Marshal Mathers" and "Paul's" were the only rap albums on there - both great, but yeah, I know, I'm thinking what you're thinking. Anyway, Chuck's voice/flow/songwriting, the production, the touches of Flav, X and Griff - my goodness. I've said it before, it may not be the greatest rap album, but there isn't one greater)

The food was substantial. The veggie option was blah. But there was great chocolate mousse, cheese and crackers, bread and butter, soda, salad, it was nice. They constantly offered beverages and candy. Breakfast was excellent with omelets and croissants and pancakes and yogurt and fruit and all that good stuff. Food was high quality and service was attentive. Like I said, the  plane was very spacious (5 large sections, it was something else man), and modern, but with everyone so close over 12 overnight hours, everyone's breath STANK and so did their bodies, ugh.

I felt an urge, so I danced to these songs in my seat and had folks (particularly regal-looking older Indian lady) looking at me:

Drake "Make Me Proud" (I searched for this song because my journey is partly inspired by Nicki Minaj's line "they want me to take a break, I'll give it all away, I don't care what the people say/ I'll be a million, billion, trillion miles awaaaaay...")
Gotye "Somebody That I Used To Know" (This may be the best song since "Viva La Vida" or "Pretty Wings," whichever was more recent. Whereas those songs either have slightly better lyrics and/or singing, "Somebody" matches each in production compared with its genre, and has a much higher danceability and karaoke factor while still being a really good and weird song with a lot of words and an ADDICTIVE chorus.)

I looked at the map occasionally to get an idea of where we were flying and how many miles/hours were left.

When we arrived, I wanted to take flicks but there is a strict no-photography rule and I have a strict no-foreign prison rule. The men in traditional garb looked kinda intimidating in an Iron Shiek way. Went to the bathroom and didn't know what to do with the toilet.

Saw a skinny, tall-ish young black guy working in there who I guess had a habit of asking other black dudes their nationalities. Snobby sort of young light skinned dude said he was from somewhere in Africa and kept it moving. The worker guessed Uganda, I believe, for me, and lit up when I said "United States, New York." He was from Kenya, said he came to Doha for better pay although it was still bad and that his dream is to go to America but he'll never be able to. I felt really sad as someone who knows the obstacles that come with being  black man, but still feels like he has so many opportunities and possibilities. It felt like, upon arrival at the place which proves my ability to break free of any perceived constraints and stands as a testament to all of the things I've said were possible these past few years, I was met with the exact opposite of my experience. He was 26 but looked younger. I felt like telling him that he should never say never, but I felt like it would be hollow, and honestly, I felt like he thought there may be something I could do for him that I can't. Then again, maybe I just feared that I actually could do something for him, but wasn't willing to. He asked my age, and if I was on vacation. He was surprised when I told him I was here to teach and asked about the pay in his broken English. I said "not bad." When I left he said "One love." Rarely have I ever felt a connection with another black person that seemed so genuine. There was a slight language barrier, we didn't talk long or very deeply, or exchange names, but we got right into some realness and kept it moving. No one's path is in a straight line, so we cross people at these random sections all the time, but we don't always extract meaning. I remember 26, it was 2005, 2006, the years I went crazy and lost it. I'm still crazy but I've been finding myself more and more each day. I have no idea what sort of journey that dude is on. Maybe the moment meant something to him, I'd like to think so. I'd like to think seeing me come to Doha to be a teacher means his dream of coming to America is just slightly less impossible. It's hard to fathom the challenges to realizing dreams that may exist across cultures and continents. I just know that as my challenges presented themselves as being more and more formidable, I've only chosen to dream bigger and bigger. And to ponder the only useful "ifs:"

If not me (you/us), then who?
If not here, then where?
If not now, then when?

If I can do it, you can at least do it as well, probably better.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

Sent from my iPhone

9 More Little Things To Get Excited About: From Finding Money To Remembering Your Password

**I realize a few of these are New York-specific, but that's ok because it'll give me something to reflect on when I'm homesick in Doha!**

41. Finding a dollar on the ground. 

(The dollar: the new quarter. Definitely in New York.)

40. When you finally get that piece of food that's stuck between your teeth. 

(This happens less now that I'm a vegetarian though.)

39. When a parking spot opens up in the place, at the time, you need it most.

(For some reason it seems even sweeter if you catch someone pulling out than if you just happen upon a space.)

38. Making a shot into the wastepaper basket from far away/a difficult angle.

37. Figuring out your password right before giving in and clicking on "Forgot your password? Send a password request."

35. The guy in my building who uses a little red wagon to transport his groceries instead of a shopping cart.

 "Saw it on Amazon and figured it'd be a lot cooler. Only I would come up with something like that. I'm kinda nuts like that." 

(Nuts in the best way!)

34. Attending a function purely out of obligation (translation: your spouse/child pretty much forces you to go) that turns out to actually be kinda fun. 

(Shout out to overcoming low expectations, haha.)

33. Discovering a BOMB new karaoke song.

32. Deciding to take the side streets instead of the highway and catching all of the green lights for a good, long while. #gamblesthatpayoff

The Starlie Sheen Years

"If you can give me a souvenir from that moment your father locked you in the closet, then bring it to me." - Charlie Sheen


It's funny (in a "it's not really funny at all kind of way"). More than one person said that Charlie Sheen was doing a good StarPower impression when he was most of the rage not too long ago. Anyone who knows me really well, or followed me online and onstage from, say, 2004-2006, could tell you why. The things he'd say, the place they came from, not many people know where that place is. I do. As much drugs as he is purported to have used, I'm sure a lot of that was just Carlos.

"It's funny how all I brought about to be/was inside the guy I brought out of me..."

You can visit previously locked up places inside of yourself through drugs and sleep deprivation and extremely intense exercise and things like that. Participating in those activities is usually a choice, but when they take you to a place within you didn't know existed, that's a surprise, beyond the accepted parameters of the high you assumed could potentially happen. That's pretty much out of your control. But submitting to the experience, setting up shop in those shadowy places, that's a choice.

"I just wanted to see how it would be/to not care about what people thought about me..."

There aren't many people willing to make that choice. Most people will say, "This was weird. Kinda cool, but weird. OK, let's start finding our way back. Now." But there are those who'll say, "What's this about? This is different. Don't know if this is good or bad. Guess there's only one way to find out." Most people don't wanna find out. Guys like Chuck and I, we'll see it through. Even though we know that it can't end well.

"I didn't think it'd be alright/to take an extended trip to my dark side..."

We somehow convince ourselves that by being totally dedicated to it, letting the world know so that we can continue our journey in what we see as a more "open" manner, we just might be the first to come out of the whole experience no worse-for-the-wear. Just like...um...right...that never happens. For anyone.

During this time I was operated mostly according to the pleasure principle. When I was losing, I was losing hard, the only way to lose, I figured. I thought there had to be some value in failing in the most epic way possible. You know, "If you're gonna play the wrong note, play it loud" and "at least you'll have a good story" (I have plenty, only good because I'm able to tell them) and all that sort of nonsense. I went into a very public downward spiral, chronicled onstage, through my MySpace blog, and at my workplace.

"The decision was made, without a conference or consultation/that's when you saw me slippin' away..."

I even created an alter-ego, Caligula the EmpireMaker, to be the true personification of wine, women and song. Although I was turned on by myself more than any girl, drink or tune. I was a magnet; I'd never had so many women and peers attracted to me. And I knew how to turn everyone on. Really, it felt like having a magical power. I was on fire, but I didn't realize that most of the people, the fans, as I imagined them, weren't into seeing me glow as much as watching me burn. My existence and dedication to the pursuit of constant stimulation was my drug and I was into feeding that fire however I could. Of course I burned out.  The realest song I ever wrote ("Bring Him Back") is about that whole time period:

Charles' catchphase "Winning!" means something pretty conflicting to me. I know he means "I don't care what you think of my drugs, whores and other anti-social activities, I'm doing what you all want to do. I'm reaping the benefits of being who I WANNA BE. I'm winning." Only, who you want to be isn't necessarily always who you should be. I thought I was winning because I received admiration and attention and publicity and propositions and I enjoyed myself by doing what I wanted to do. And I've said on many occasions after that whole dark period that I never would have been able to experience the true victory I've had thereafter if I hadn't gone through all of that. But I wasn't winning, I was making unnecessary sacrifices (financially, personally and professionally), taking stupid, selfish risks. Maybe I can't call it losing, because I learned many valuable lessons I applied later to be able to truly win, but I surely wasn't playing in the most sufficient manner. You can not give a fuck about what people think without not giving a fuck about people. Meaning, it's ok to say, "I'm not gonna let people's opinions guide my actions" as long as you still consider the effect your actions will have.

I'm sure Chuckles still has his fun; I'm sure he still gets a li'l bent from time to time (to time) and the hookers still do alright when he's in town. I know I brought some souvenirs back from that place that I'll always have with me (I actually chronicled my climb out of my pit in a series of blog posts on MySpace called "The Dope Show"). But I can bet that the fallout from that year has at least made him reflect on what he did to people he cares about. Shoot, sometimes it's not even about just the people you care about. Sometimes you just realize that being a shitty person is the lamest shit in the world. You end up figuring how to really win, and you realize that others accomplished victory without having to go through all of the things you did. And I can tell you how you are able to tell true victory from what you thought "winning" was before - you want to share how to achieve it. You want others to experience it FOR THEM. Not on some, "This shit will get you SO FUCKING OUT-OF-THIS-UNIVERSE HIGH MAN! You gotta do this with me!" No. You'll just want other people to see what it's like to put in the work to win, and the work to keep winning. That's where I'm at in my life now. I'd be lying if I said I don't fight, and occasionally invite, the types of demons that most people I know may never face, but now I know that there's no value in letting THEM win.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.